Soooo, I was thinking in the shower this morning. It's always been the place I think, and these days, it is the only place I think. I digress. Anyway, I was thinking about all the things that I should be doing. You know what I mean--that haunting list we keep running in the backs of our minds. So, I started to list all the things that the church, society, your family . . . and Oprah say you should be. And then I came to the realization that most of them end up contradicting each other, rendering it totally impossible to be perfect. Like we didn't already know that! But, I'm still convinced by the looks of you that some of you are. And I have to hate you for it. So, without much ado (or a lot), here is the list:
* You should prepare hearty, healthy, well-balanced meals composed largely of items from your food storage or your backyard garden . . . on a budget. Contradition: healthy food is generally expensive and my kids may or may not actually eat it.
* You should be attractive and fit, but don't spend too much time or money on it. And most definitely, don't be vain. And shower, dress, and complete full hair and make-up routine at some undefined time between your early morning workout, getting the kids to school, and the time when anyone might catch you in your sweats. But don't wear sweats because you are sexy, romantic, and mysterious. Contradiction: Unless you're naturally beautiful or thin, you're completely out of luck. Because being beautiful and thin is expensive and time consuming.
*And clean. For the love of pete, clean like mad! Don't let anyone know that your kids (and/or your husband) miss the toilet half the time. There should be no tell-tale signs left behind from your culinary masterpieces, and your kids should achieve their stimulating, educational play in CIA-worthy stealth because no one should actually detect toys or play-dough anywhere in your house. Do laundry as the clothes are worn, promptly fold and iron as they come out of the dryer, and immediately put away in a color-coded, labled fashion, so you don't have the dreaded laundry baskets laying around. You should, by the way be able to see through all your windows in your house and your car. Heaven forbid the little FBI agents leave fingerprints! That would completely derail Mission: Clean House. But remember, remember, don't neglect your kids while doing any of this, don't use the TV as a baby-sitter, and don't you dare sweats!
* You should always make time for your kids, your husband, your parents, your in-laws, the sick neighbor, the PTA, the friend in need, the orphans in Africa, your church calling, and your civic duties. But you should also take time for yourself, develop a hobby, and cultivate your talents. Contradiction: Are you kidding me?
* You're going to be at risk for heart disease, osteoporosis, diabetes, and a host of other problems we don't even know about yet if you don't exercise 30 minutes a day, drink 900 glasses of water, and live on asparagus, eggplant, and the occasional banana. Contradiction: I thought I was supposed to be making casseroles for the neighbor and having freshly baked bread waiting for my kids when they got home from school? Oh I get it, make everyone else fat while I stay skinny!
* You should take time every day to read your scriptures, supplemental religious texts, your daily newspaper, your book club book, and balance the checkbook, comb for coupons and sales. And don't forget to read to your kids for at least 30 minutes to assure that they're reading Shakespeare independently by fourth grade, so they can get into an Ivy League school that you'll never be able to pay for.
*And don't forget to keep your kids and yourself abreast of current events and political climate, so you can be culturally aware and engaging in intellectual conversations. But don't let any of it get you down or make you pessimistic because you should always be upbeat and positive, so your kids don't have to be on Prozac. Because if they do, they will inevitably blame you for it.
* You should be green, very green. All the while, driving a Suburban full of 8 kids to soccer practice, play practice, ballet, and swimming lessons. Because your kids should be well-rounded. And if they're not, there is really no chance they'll be getting accepted to the aforementioned Ivy League school. And they'll blame you for that too. So nix the Suburban and bike everywhere in a single file line with your all your food storage from Costco in eco-friendly shopping bags pulled behind you in a bike trailer . . . that you luckily bought in mint condition at a garage sale because you're ridiculously frugal and savvy.
* And you should blog, facebook, email, scrapbook, write thank you notes, journal, diary, take pictures and video to keep in contact with everyone you know in their preferred manner . . . and to eternally document your perfection . . . or in this case, imperfection.
I could go on, but I'm pretty sure you stopped reading long ago. But congratulations to all of you who manage to do all of this just make the rest of feel bad. As for me, I've resigned myself to imperfection. I had a friend (or a long-time acquaintance) that called me "fat, foul, and ugly" in high school. Maybe I should call her and see how her list is coming, and tell her that I'm living up to all of her expectations of me just fine.
* You should prepare hearty, healthy, well-balanced meals composed largely of items from your food storage or your backyard garden . . . on a budget. Contradition: healthy food is generally expensive and my kids may or may not actually eat it.
* You should be attractive and fit, but don't spend too much time or money on it. And most definitely, don't be vain. And shower, dress, and complete full hair and make-up routine at some undefined time between your early morning workout, getting the kids to school, and the time when anyone might catch you in your sweats. But don't wear sweats because you are sexy, romantic, and mysterious. Contradiction: Unless you're naturally beautiful or thin, you're completely out of luck. Because being beautiful and thin is expensive and time consuming.
*And clean. For the love of pete, clean like mad! Don't let anyone know that your kids (and/or your husband) miss the toilet half the time. There should be no tell-tale signs left behind from your culinary masterpieces, and your kids should achieve their stimulating, educational play in CIA-worthy stealth because no one should actually detect toys or play-dough anywhere in your house. Do laundry as the clothes are worn, promptly fold and iron as they come out of the dryer, and immediately put away in a color-coded, labled fashion, so you don't have the dreaded laundry baskets laying around. You should, by the way be able to see through all your windows in your house and your car. Heaven forbid the little FBI agents leave fingerprints! That would completely derail Mission: Clean House. But remember, remember, don't neglect your kids while doing any of this, don't use the TV as a baby-sitter, and don't you dare sweats!
* You should always make time for your kids, your husband, your parents, your in-laws, the sick neighbor, the PTA, the friend in need, the orphans in Africa, your church calling, and your civic duties. But you should also take time for yourself, develop a hobby, and cultivate your talents. Contradiction: Are you kidding me?
* You're going to be at risk for heart disease, osteoporosis, diabetes, and a host of other problems we don't even know about yet if you don't exercise 30 minutes a day, drink 900 glasses of water, and live on asparagus, eggplant, and the occasional banana. Contradiction: I thought I was supposed to be making casseroles for the neighbor and having freshly baked bread waiting for my kids when they got home from school? Oh I get it, make everyone else fat while I stay skinny!
* You should take time every day to read your scriptures, supplemental religious texts, your daily newspaper, your book club book, and balance the checkbook, comb for coupons and sales. And don't forget to read to your kids for at least 30 minutes to assure that they're reading Shakespeare independently by fourth grade, so they can get into an Ivy League school that you'll never be able to pay for.
*And don't forget to keep your kids and yourself abreast of current events and political climate, so you can be culturally aware and engaging in intellectual conversations. But don't let any of it get you down or make you pessimistic because you should always be upbeat and positive, so your kids don't have to be on Prozac. Because if they do, they will inevitably blame you for it.
* You should be green, very green. All the while, driving a Suburban full of 8 kids to soccer practice, play practice, ballet, and swimming lessons. Because your kids should be well-rounded. And if they're not, there is really no chance they'll be getting accepted to the aforementioned Ivy League school. And they'll blame you for that too. So nix the Suburban and bike everywhere in a single file line with your all your food storage from Costco in eco-friendly shopping bags pulled behind you in a bike trailer . . . that you luckily bought in mint condition at a garage sale because you're ridiculously frugal and savvy.
* And you should blog, facebook, email, scrapbook, write thank you notes, journal, diary, take pictures and video to keep in contact with everyone you know in their preferred manner . . . and to eternally document your perfection . . . or in this case, imperfection.
I could go on, but I'm pretty sure you stopped reading long ago. But congratulations to all of you who manage to do all of this just make the rest of feel bad. As for me, I've resigned myself to imperfection. I had a friend (or a long-time acquaintance) that called me "fat, foul, and ugly" in high school. Maybe I should call her and see how her list is coming, and tell her that I'm living up to all of her expectations of me just fine.
